deathwatch

i am sitting deathwatch for the first time in my life.

my grandfather is a microbiology professor and he loves playing basketball and he has this certain silly tone of voice he uses whenever he's being sarcastic and he and my grandma would dance to the beatles in their living room when i was small. he will die in the next few days.

it's strange thinking how this is part of the human experience and has been, since we started being humans. one day u just get a call and it's time to go and hold someone's hand, knowing there is nothing to be done anymore but to show them they are loved.

it's almost de-realizing, knowing everyone does this at some point in their lives. that for all the uniqueness of this situation, me and my people, it's fundamentally a scene that has played out in the same ways with the same emotions over and over and over and will again

but this one is mine. and i'm trying to do it as best as i can.

it's fucking hard man.